I’m in a strange place. I’m not exactly happy, and I’m not really dissatisfied. I feel like my progress on everything I care about is going slowly.
There are recent positive developments. I’ve taken concrete steps to improve my life. Just this last week, I had an intake appointment at a mental health clinic. I’m going to start seeing a counselor to help me deal with my anxiety, depression, and some identity issues I’m going through. Also this week, I had a consultation at a sleep clinic. I have an appointment for an at-home sleep study. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a CPAP machine and treat my apnea.
Thea reminds me to practice positive self-talk. I know I’ve neglected it, and I think that’s part of my recent downturn. I need to redouble my efforts to stop tearing myself down and to make constructive, uplifting comments to and about myself.
I’ve used the recent bad weather as an excuse not to run. I need to get out there. I have a marathon to prepare for. Oh, yeah, I’m running the Eugene Marathon this year. The full marathon.
I didn’t submit my applications to the graduate programs I’m interested in. I lost confidence. I realized that I’ve been out of undergrad for about as long as I was in undergrad. And I haven’t been doing any sort of academic work. I don’t know what I can really bring to a school. When I thought about requesting letters of recommendation from my old professors, I realized that I didn’t really know what I could ask them to recommend about me. I was an enthusiastic but not particularly motivated nor brilliant student. And it was four years ago. The work I’ve done for the last four years is not related to the field I want to go into, so the letters of recommendation I could get from employers and colleagues during that time is not really relevant. I wonder if I was too slow in figuring my life out and if the future I’d like is now out of my reach.
Thea encouraged me to apply to grad school anyway, because the worst thing that could happen is that I don’t get in and that’s exactly the position I’m in now. But, I just might get in. She’s right. I’ve been trying to keep that in mind and use it to keep the discouragement at bay. Still, I don’t really know what to do about the letters of recommendation. This is one area where I’m hoping the counseling can help by giving me ways to bolster my confidence and to recognize possibilities and opportunities.
Sometimes I almost feel like I’m two people. I’m aware of this person that is floundering, that doesn’t really know who he is, that can’t seem to figure things out. I don’t identify with that person though. He’s someone I can’t seem to get rid of. There’s this other person that is critical, and ambitious, and motivated. These two people do not like each other.
That’s right now for me. Not great, but not awful. No success to want to protect, no real failure to motivate action. I’ve lost my momentum.