A Most Insidious Lie

That comfort in returning to depression
That at least if I’m panicking, I’m worrying about something
That pulling away from people
Gives them what they want:
Less of me.

That this internalized hatred,
This self-loathing and wish to be anyone else
Is my true self, my default outlook.

That this is somehow normal. Continue reading

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Wonder [verse]

I haven’t done this in a while: here’s a poem. I haven’t been able to silence my mind enough lately to write much of anything. Today slowed down, though, and my feelings became glass. Enjoy, and let me know what you think.

do you wonder what this time means to me?
is it any wonder I’m coming around,
turnin’ my days into nights whenever I’m with you?
there’s nothin’ more real than what I feel
right here, sayin’ nothin’ but nothin’ at all.
you ask why I’m smilin’, and you don’t see
this is the happiest moment of my day.
as I silently stare, you don’t turn away
you’ve depth enough for us to share

all the times I’ve played this through in my head
by now I’ve realized there’s only one way it goes.
inevitably, unavoidably, I’m going to love you. Continue reading

Thinking Out Loud: Faith

Love depends intimately and completely on faith. When I am confronted with no evidence, or counter-evidence, for the love that is expressed for me, I have to take the words on faith. That faith has to be more powerful than my own insecurities, than the apathy or disinterest that threatens to undermine the expression.

It seems like it is harder to have faith in a person than in divinity. People will challenge my faith in them, will disappoint me, push me away. Divinity, though, is only what a person wants it to be. How can one’s faith be challenged if it is all in one’s head?

At the same time, I’ve always held that what people credit to divine influence is really their own unacknowledged inner-strength. So, having faith in a deity I would interpret as faith in the self. And I know just how hard it is to maintain faith in yourself. While others may disappoint us, it is easy to forgive when we find out their perspective. I know when I disappoint myself, though, it takes me a long time to forgive. I hold myself to a higher standard.

Hmm, whether it is in myself or someone else, faith in people is hard.

Faith is a struggle I understand only too well.
When she says “I love you,”
The words are only as true as I believe.
Some days, such words mean more than nothing
Due only to my investment in their truth,
I can find no evidence to prove them.
Ain’t that the case with any love?
More than we see it, we feel it, believe it.
Love can only exist through Faith.

This is an early draft of a portion of a verse to a larger poem I’m working on. The whole poem is about how I, as an atheist, experience Faith.

a Bench, a Pen, and These Words

Now you’ve walked away
But I’ll wander a while longer
My mind is still revved
Burning off your high-octane
Continue reading

Device Agnostic

Frustrated, all I can do is laugh,
Shakin’ my head in time.
After all, we’re all lonely, right?

An incredible inconvenience,
We back ourselves into separate corners
Our escapes cut off by our shadows
Made massive by our own fears:
Maybe guilt is the Higgs boson.
Our brains build unwieldy hardware
To find evidence of the heart’s intuition.

Don’t worry, we’ll recalibrate
These instruments and contraptions.
Faster than light neutrinos,
Inconvenient fear, statistically significant doubt,
All the ghosts in the machine
Dematerialize into so much jittery foam with
Just a readjustment once you fine-tune the sensors.

Results aren’t what we’re after, after all.
Only truth, only acknowledgment,
Validation that our search is enlightened.

I Hate Me + bonus poem “Reflection Judges the Man” [updated]

[jump to update]

Everyday I put effort into improving myself. I am always pursuing goals of personal betterment. I seek to make myself smarter, stronger, healthier, wiser, to use my time in more meaningful ways.

My drive to improve comes from a deep-rooted self-loathing. Writing these words is about the most open and honest I have ever been. I cannot remember a time I’ve ever liked myself, and I know I’ve never felt self-love. But I also wonder, do most people feel this way? Are most people fundamentally dissatisfied with themselves, even if it doesn’t descend to self-hatred?

There’s a test I’ve come up with: Look into a large mirror. Look into your own eyes as if they belonged to someone you’ve known your whole life. Now, can you say, with complete conviction, “I love you”?

I can’t. Continue reading

Verse – Mask and Veil

I’m open, and honest,
But that doesn’t mean
I haven’t hidden myself
Behind a veil of normalcy

I’m outspoken, and righteous,
Yet I haven’t shown my
Full persona to those
Closest to me.

A veil is being lifted,
A glimpse can be caught.
But don’t get too excited,
Beneath I wear a mask.

Now you can see I’m
Vulnerable, and a little afraid
I will attach myself
To an identity more true

The mask is my taboo,
And I now wear it openly.
You can identify me by it,
You can identify me without it.

So, I’ll present two faces
Until I can find some place
Stereoscopic and 3D
Where they’ll overlap as me.