Living With Myself Now

I’m in a better place than I was a month or so ago, when I last posted. That said, I think it’s important to reflect on and report what better means in reality. I’m in no way “over it” or somehow cured of the emotional and affective turbulence of depression and anxiety. In the spirit of living my life in the open, I want to share where I’m at now. This post will serve two purposes. First, to describe the reality of living with myself outside of a moment of crisis. Secondly, to use this period of up-ness to build a resource that might help me when I descend in the future.

CW/TW: descriptions of anxious and suicidal thoughts Continue reading

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What the hell happened?

This last week I descended into the most severe anxiety-induced depressive episode of my life. I’ve experienced two similar, though less severe, episodes since I began teaching. As I descended, I made a life altering choice. I want to explain this period and what I was going through. My goal is those who know me a closer look at what I experienced. A secondary goal of this post is to offer solidarity and to make a space for these kinds of feelings and discussions. We don’t talk about this stuff enough, and a lot of us are suffering through feelings and impulses that we keep to ourselves.

[content warning: suicidal ideation] Continue reading

This is my anxiety

It’s a tingle, like an itch. From my shoulder blades down to the tips of my fingers and back. Then it reverberates in my chest. My stomach clenches, then my head swims. I remember to breathe Continue reading

Driver

It’s your car, I wouldn’t presume to drive
You’ve been the passenger enough
Now that you find yourself finally behind the wheel
I could not bring myself to take that from you.

Our speed is up to you,
Our safety is in your hands,
but here’s a message too little heard:
I trust you.

At your right hand, I’ll help navigate
Let you know about the ruts ahead
‘Cause this road can get rough
As you know, as you’ve seen.

Those crumbling roads you’ve been forced down
When you sat where I sit now.
No ally behind the wheel for you,
Just captor and blind turns.

With your foot on the clutch, your smile
Glows with none of the uncertainty
Being strapped to the passenger seat
Kept you tightly restrained with.

Let me ride with you,
But the driver’s seat is yours
Together we’ll find a scenic route
Together we’ll drive along.