Living With Myself Now

I’m in a better place than I was a month or so ago, when I last posted. That said, I think it’s important to reflect on and report what better means in reality. I’m in no way “over it” or somehow cured of the emotional and affective turbulence of depression and anxiety. In the spirit of living my life in the open, I want to share where I’m at now. This post will serve two purposes. First, to describe the reality of living with myself outside of a moment of crisis. Secondly, to use this period of up-ness to build a resource that might help me when I descend in the future.

CW/TW: descriptions of anxious and suicidal thoughts Continue reading

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What the hell happened?

This last week I descended into the most severe anxiety-induced depressive episode of my life. I’ve experienced two similar, though less severe, episodes since I began teaching. As I descended, I made a life altering choice. I want to explain this period and what I was going through. My goal is those who know me a closer look at what I experienced. A secondary goal of this post is to offer solidarity and to make a space for these kinds of feelings and discussions. We don’t talk about this stuff enough, and a lot of us are suffering through feelings and impulses that we keep to ourselves.

[content warning: suicidal ideation] Continue reading

The Lonely Fight

Trigger warning: suicide

Disclaimer: I’m fine. For my family and friends reading this, I’ve been dealing with this for a long time and I’m in no danger.

Yesterday was depressing. Especially over on Tumblr, it was just a pit of misery and despair. In addition to the usual onslaught of misogyny and systematic oppression, in Ferguson Michael Brown was murdered by police, Christy Mack was beaten nearly to death by her ex-boyfriend (who has yet to be apprehended), and Robin Williams killed himself.

The news of Robin Williams surfaced about midday. The outpouring of detached sadness was expected, as it is with any celebrity death. Then I noticed that there was something else happening: a conversation about depression and suicide was surfacing. A few of my friends on Facebook talked about their own depression, anxiety, and bi-polar struggles. There were several posts about how even those that make us laugh, that say they’re okay, can be incredibly lonely and hurting inside. This post about why funny people are disproportionately more likely to kill themselves is incredibly stirring. It contains truth.

After processing all of this information since yesterday, I’ve decided that I want to put my story out there, as just one more illustration. Continue reading

This is my anxiety

It’s a tingle, like an itch. From my shoulder blades down to the tips of my fingers and back. Then it reverberates in my chest. My stomach clenches, then my head swims. I remember to breathe Continue reading

Retreat – a video blog in two parts

Part 1 – What It Means

Part 2 – Where I’m Going

In case you missed it, I just posted my 50th blog post a few days ago.  Isn’t that exciting?!

 

UPDATE:

I was reading this blog, someone else’s account of his failure and why it is meaningful to embrace it.  He embedded a video of J.K. Rowling’s Harvard commencement address back in 2008.  It was extremely meaningful to me, so I’ve included it below.