Living With Myself Now

I’m in a better place than I was a month or so ago, when I last posted. That said, I think it’s important to reflect on and report what better means in reality. I’m in no way “over it” or somehow cured of the emotional and affective turbulence of depression and anxiety. In the spirit of living my life in the open, I want to share where I’m at now. This post will serve two purposes. First, to describe the reality of living with myself outside of a moment of crisis. Secondly, to use this period of up-ness to build a resource that might help me when I descend in the future.

CW/TW: descriptions of anxious and suicidal thoughts Continue reading

The Lonely Fight

Trigger warning: suicide

Disclaimer: I’m fine. For my family and friends reading this, I’ve been dealing with this for a long time and I’m in no danger.

Yesterday was depressing. Especially over on Tumblr, it was just a pit of misery and despair. In addition to the usual onslaught of misogyny and systematic oppression, in Ferguson Michael Brown was murdered by police, Christy Mack was beaten nearly to death by her ex-boyfriend (who has yet to be apprehended), and Robin Williams killed himself.

The news of Robin Williams surfaced about midday. The outpouring of detached sadness was expected, as it is with any celebrity death. Then I noticed that there was something else happening: a conversation about depression and suicide was surfacing. A few of my friends on Facebook talked about their own depression, anxiety, and bi-polar struggles. There were several posts about how even those that make us laugh, that say they’re okay, can be incredibly lonely and hurting inside. This post about why funny people are disproportionately more likely to kill themselves is incredibly stirring. It contains truth.

After processing all of this information since yesterday, I’ve decided that I want to put my story out there, as just one more illustration. Continue reading